le Christmas Photobomb...

Auntie Karen was VERY concern about his blue boogies...until she realized it was just lint

Cookie making pros

Silly baby!

Serious baby

Matt making "monkey brains" on Christmas morning

It's time to open presents!

Em his 3rd set of Christmas pj's

It's Sunday afternoon and we have a webcam...

Of Course!

Warning: this blog entry is being written "Andy Style"
Meaning, a really long and elaborate back-story for a short and quick little anecdote.


The boys and I have been talking a lot lately about who they "resemble".  Both in looks and personality.
We can't decide who Em looks like.  Sometimes he favors Matt, sometimes Nic.  And sometimes he just looks like Emerson.  His personality is really sweet and relaxed and easy-going (so, probably Andy) but he is not a morning person (totally me).
Nic is pretty much a mini-Andy in the looks department.  Even the expressions that come through are SO his father.  His personality, however, is all me.  Poor child even got the 'hangry' trait.
Matt's personality is very similar to Andy's.  It is funny because both Andy's mom and I have mentioned how Andy is getting some parenting karma with Matt.  As far as looks, Matt is starting to resemble me more than Andy.
We were confirming our "Looks Like" designations by going through picture albums of Andy and I from when we were little.
While flipping through, the boys busted up laughing at a pic of me, my brother and sister, and dad at Universal Studios.  My dad had climbed into Jaws' mouth and all that could be seen of him were legs, which my sister and I were "pulling" on as my brother just stood there.  I asked the boys if they knew who was in the shark's mouth.
Matt: "Of course that is Papa"
Nic: "Yeah, because he is a funny, crazy, guy like that."
Matt: "Just like we are!!  We must have gotten that right from Papa, mom, because you and dad are not funny at all."

December 23rd

I am usually fairly adept at finding the words to describe how I am feeling.
I can generally convey whats weighing on me through writing and alleviate some of that weight by doing so.
But today I feel completely inept.
Like I can't even start to identify how I feel.  So words to describe how I feel are impossible.


Bittersweet?
Maybe.
But no really bitter.
Sad?
I am thinking about what is missing.  And that is hard today.
Missing home and our families.
Missing friends.
Missing being a whole family.
Missing people who I will not ever have a Christmas with again.
Today would be my Gram's birthday.  It's the third December 23rd of my life that she isn't here to celebrate. Gram's birthday was always nearly a holiday in itself.  At least a little bit every Christmas Eve-Eve was spent with her and maybe the whole family.  Or maybe just our family.  But always time with her.  I never asked how she felt having a birthday so close to Christmas.  I don't ever remember her complaining.  I just remember her smiling.  Tell jokes and giving me clippings from the paper that made her think of me when she read them.  Angel food cake and lemon meringue pie.  Tucking an ultrasound of a bitty bitty Matt into her birthday card.  Singing to her at Stockholm Inn.  So many good and happy funny silly things.  But then... saying "good-bye".  Still the hardest moments of my life.
A year ago today our family's distance from "home" was tempered by my Hawaiian Cousin Jay flying over to spend   a few days with us.  It had been years (and years and years) since he and I had a Christmas together.  We had a blast.  Water-park, movies, playing Nerf with the boys, sushi, cookie baking and decorating, bowling, Christmas morning, and a crazy Christmas dinner all packed into a three day trip.  It was so fun.  Like old times but better because we were the grown ups now and there was no one to yell at us if we stayed up until 3 a.m. Christmas Eve watching movies and talking story.  He told me I was pregnant Christmas morning when I complained I felt sick.  I laughed and told him he was crazy...that I had just been up too late the night before.  He laughed and gave me a loud "I told ya!!!" over the phone after I found out I was pregnant two days later.  I was so excited to have him back this year.  For him to meet Em.  But that is not how things worked out.  And I still don't understand why.


But mixed in with all that is so much happiness.
So many good things.
I am helping the children at the Chapel put on a Christmas Program tomorrow night.  I say helping because truly it is all on them.  They have worked hard.  And there will be mistakes and missed lines and silliness...but it is fun to see them and has been a lesson for me on relaxing, being patient, and being grace-ful.
I have Ohana here that are amazing.  There are moments where I truly have to pause, count my blessings, and wonder how it is I am surrounded by the most lovely people.  People who love me (and that can be a hard thing) and my kiddos and are there with a text or phone call or pop-in or have a sleep over.  I prayed (like always) for good people to meet us in Hawaii and God answered (like always) perfectly.
But out of everything good and wonderful on this day...in this moment...in this life...my boys shine brightest.
We were listening to Christmas carols in the car and there was a line they sang: "mom and dad can hardly wait for school to start again".  Nic, with his big, gorgeous eyes, asked me if that was true...if I couldn't wait for them to go back to school.  I thought about it for a second.  I wanted to answer honestly.  And I told him that I was in no hurry to send him off to school and was completely enjoying the time we had together.  I kept thinking about it.  And I truly do enjoy the time I have with my boys.  I may be frustrated in moments.  Dumbfounded sometimes as to how to proceed.  But there is no moment, in all of my mommy-hood, I would trade.
There is a verse from Lamentations 3 I memorized a long time ago (I think because it was over the kitchen sink at my parent's house and I washed a lot of dishes) that makes me think of my boys:
"His compassions fail not, they are new every morning; great is thy faithfulness."
Aside what it means as a message about God to me...I apply it to mommy-life.  My compassion for my children should not fail.  They will come up with something new every day to delight/horrify me, make me proud/embarrassed, bring me joy or break my heart a little by asking questions to which I have no answers.  I have faith in God that he will show me how to love and teach these boys to become great men.

So there.
I am sitting here.  Feeling all that.  Mixed up and upside down right side up crazy.
I am enjoying my kiddos.  Em playing on the floor cooing and squealing at his toys.  Matt and Nic discussing the best way to pick up dog poop (yes, they have been tasked with up Buddy's mess).  Later we are going to cuddle on the couch, read books, and watch the Grinch.  Or maybe "Home Alone".  For the third time this week.  I will still feel all wonky.  But it is ok.  I've still got a pretty fabulous amazing life to be thankful for. :)

Take a Hike!!

Despite my feeling like a bus ran me over, backed over me, and did it again, we set out this morning to hike the trail at Makapu'u Light house.  It's a fun and relatively easy hike with a paved trail out to a point over an old lighthouse.  Sometimes you can spot whales.  It was either too early or too choppy to see any whales this trip though.  We DID get to see a police car get stuck while we were on our way up.  Still not sure why they were driving the trail, but the car was still there, stuck, as we left.  Bummer.
Here's some pics from the adventure.

Happy Birthday Momma

Today is my momma-la's birthday.
She is kind of awesome.
Kind of amazing.

I miss her a whole lot.

Unbelievable

It is just too much.
The news scrolling and updating and breaking this morning.
Too much.
Those babies.  Nic's age.

The moments I take for granted.
Singing Christmas songs in the car.  Practicing for the program at church.  Proud he has remembered the words and hand motions.  He's five.  And so brilliant and smart and loving and trusting.

Kindergarten.

School is a safe place.
An extension of home.  Of what I try to do here.  It is not the primary source of his knowledge.  It supplements the care and work and reading and singing and learning we do here.  Since I knew he was. Since he was a wiggle in my belly.
We do not send our children to school with any measure of thought that they will not come back home.  They always come home.  Safe.  Tired.  Ready to read books and play games and draw pictures.
We do not dream that they will not come back home.

Their parents.  I can not wrap my heart around the grief that must be tearing through them.
Will they re-live their morning?  Guilt over a harsh word?  See the sweet faces as they waved goodbye?  Touch a cheek where a messy kiss was hastily placed?  The nightmare I can not imagine and fathom how to pray for the parents.  The families.  Brothers and sisters and grandparents.

Video showing families clutching, hugging, kissing their children as they are walking from the firehouse.  Poor children sobbing.  Classmates lost.  Unable to understand.


Pray for those who are touched by this.  For the children.  For the mommies and daddies.

Kiss your babies.
Hug them.
Love them.
Live with grace.  Forgive.
Hold them close and thank God they are in your arms today.

OK fine...

I will be honest.
I am not feeling the 25 days of Christmas this year.  Shocker, right?
I am not even really feeling Christmas-y this year.  I am, apparently, all about the bah-humbug.  This year it is hard to muster the energy and find the awesomeness.  Why?  There are a few contributing factors...

It's hard to be away from family and traditions.  Andy and I both come from families where Christmas Eve and Christmas Day are spent with our awesome extended families.  When we spent our first Christmas away from them, it was hard.  But we worked to make new traditions.  Which are fun.  And we will carry on those traditions.  But, y'all, I am home SICK.  I want to walk into a house full of people I love and have known for years or forever and be crazy and swap stories and tease and torture each other with clowns.  I want to go to midnight service and see my breath on the way back to the car, all bundled up against the cold (and maybe snow).
And that's another thing, when we got to Hawaii, we had to adjust to the weather.  I am crazy, I know, for complaining.  But it is hard to look at a beach, at blooming flowers, and rainbows and sunshine, and feel like it is Christmas.  It if forever summertime here (to me, at least).  So that makes it a little hard to feel in the mood for Christmastime.  I don't really truly miss snow and cold until the few weeks surrounding Christmas.  I can do without it any other time of year.  But there is something about needing to wear socks, snuggling in front of a fire, and watching lights twinkle under a layer of snow that just IS Christmastime.
But, the past two Christmases have been just fine without those two things.  We have made our Ohana traditions here, and enjoyed the holiday together.  And here's where the Grinch switch gets flipped: this is our first Christmas without Andy.  And my neck gets tight just typing that.  We have been so incredibly blessed to have 9 years in the Navy and have this be our first Christmas apart.  But dang if this doesn't just suck.  Every fun moment is bittersweet.  It's my issue.  The boys are still having a blast.  So I am pouring ALL of my energy into keeping Christmas awesome for them.  We are doing the decorating and cooking and card writing and adventures to see lights and all the things that make Christmas merry.  But I have nothing left over to put here.  It would not feel genuine to post the merry merry when I am not really feeling it.  Maybe I will have Matt take over posting.  He definitely is in a good mood.  Nic too.  Even Em is all smiles when he wriggles himself under the tree.

25 Days of Christmas: Day 2

The second day of Christmas is all about a new tradition for our family.

Today is the first Sunday of Advent.
True story: today is also the first Sunday our family has celebrated Advent.  I didn't grow up in a home that recognized Advent, or really even recognized the religious aspect of Christmas.  That is fine.  I am respectful of the beliefs my parents have, and appreciative of the way I was raised to question and research and take my faith further than what falls on my ears from the preacher/pastor/who ever.  So this year, as part of my job as Director of Religious Education, I had to look at and create lessons around Advent.

The cliff's notes (do they even make those anymore?) on Advent is that the four Sunday's before Christmas are spent preparing for Christmas.  Each Sunday has a "theme" (hope, preparation, joy & love) and a candle lit on the Advent wreath.  The center candle on the wreath is the Christ candle and is lit on Christmas Eve or Christmas.  Ok, that's a huge over simplification but it gives the basic idea.
While I don't believe the Christmas is actually the day of Christ's birth, I believe it is important to commemorate and honor his birth and Christmas is a great opportunity to bring joy, hope, and Christ's message to people.  So I think of it as Christ's birth "observed".  As I read about Advent and the purpose of the Advent season, I saw a great opportunity to steer my family away from the commercialization of Christmas.
Today in church we watched as the first candle was lit on the Advent wreath--the candle of hope.  In Sunday school our lesson was on hope, and the hope that Jesus brings to our life, the hope that people had before Jesus was born that God would send a King of kings, the hope that we have in God that He has great plans for us.
Tonight before dinner, we set our Advent wreath on the table, Matt lit the hope candle and said a prayer.  It was an awesome moment as a mom.  I hope we spend this Advent season as a family reflecting on the message each week brings.

Matt had a little trouble working the lighter.  Nic was a little nervous for him.

Matt finishing up his prayer.

25 Days of Christmas

I don't know how long I have done the 25 Days of Christmas on my blog...I think I may have started the first Christmas we didn't make it back to Illinois to celebrate.  It's a fun tradition, now.  And one that makes me pay attention to the kiddos and our family in a time where the craziness of the season can take over and distract from family.  Between work (and the lessons of Advent season) and just paying more attention to my kiddos, I am seeing that making an effort to spend that exrta time and effort with them will be the best action I can take as a parent.  So I am very excited to keep up the tradition with the 25 Days of Christmas on the blog and maybe not focus so much on what we are doing, but the time we are spending together doing it.  

 Day 1: Advent Calendars

In years past, we have bought the boys Advent calendars.  We always just bought the ones with candy inside.  But after a bit of a disaster one year with melted then re-hardened chocolate we decided never again.  Then we bought the LEGO Advent calendars.  Super cool but with a $40 per calendar price tag it was a bit ridiculous.  So, this year, I pinned a pin on Pinterest of these really fun Advent calendars made with mini-muffin tins, scrapbook paper, stickers, and magnet strips.  The result of my work:

 

One for each kiddo.  What makes these a little more fun, each calendar has five black-background squares.  Who ever gets a black background square gets to pick a numbered envelope (hanging above the Advent calendars) and each envelope has a different family activity.  Today Nic had the black square and picked a Christmas art project.  Super fun.  I took the extra step to laminate the number squares and hope to use these calendars for a long, long time.

Things I Am Thinking On Today

I got to Skype with my sister in law and nephew today.  It was awesome to take that time and catch up.  Their little family reminds me so much of Andy and I.  Newly(ish) married.  Newly(ish) in the Navy.  Sweet little baby boy.  I got a little teary eyed and sad that part of our life is done with.  Sad especially that Andy is gone for the holiday season.  But I am so happy for my sister and brother in law because I know they have so many fun and exciting life moments ahead of them.  

I made chicken and noodles for dinner with baked apples for dessert.  It's amazing how food can take you back.  If I closed my eyes I could *almost* believe I was at my parents kitchen table.  Surrounded by my family.  Snow falling outside.  Socks on my feet (I don't wear socks in Hawaii unless I am wearing them with gym shoes).  It was good.  And it was even better because everyone gave it a thumbs up AND I had enough leftover to freeze for a lazy day.

I realized today that I cooked a lot less last deployment.  My poor kids survived on cereal, pasta, and grilled cheese.  I ate a lot of salad.  I am not sure why this has been different.  Maybe because Jeff is here?  And I feel like he should eat real food?  Or maybe I am taking more comfort in cooking and the food I am making (see above post regarding chicken and noodles)?  Who knows.  But I am going to give myself a break, prepare ore for lazy days (stocking the freezer and pantry and fresh produce drawer), and let them all eat cereal (or whatever) once in a while.

Em is a funny kid.  I know I blog about him a lot.  But he's new and so is everything he does.  Tonight we watched The Grinch.  Em watched too, for a while.  He liked the Who's down in Who-ville.  He cooed along and smiled and kicked at them.  He was happy until the Grinch came on.  He cried.  And fussed until Jeff picked him up and turned him around.  So funny.

We decorated the outside of the house today.  I was Grinchy and didn't really want to decorate outside at all.  I mean, how could I possibly come close to the awesomeness of the Aloha Avenue house?  But, the boys wanted to, so we decorated the back of the house (we are on a corner and have a park behind our house, so our backyard is just as visible as our front yard).  It turned out ok, but the boys had a blast and that's what makes me smile.

in his jumpy 

look who found a new favorite spot

sweet Buddy

Matt took a picture before all the lights were on

Em doesn't quite know what to think of the lights

Christmastime is here...

Happiness and cheer.
I think that the Christmas season is one best enjoyed (aesthetically at least) in the evenings when lights are twinkling.  They are so pretty.
It is also my favorite time of day.  When things are calm.  Meals are cooked.  Kiddos are sweet sleepy. There is nothing that needs to be done.  So it is easy, and nice, and lovely to just sit in the mellow light from the tree and garland and pine-scented candle and watch movies and pretend it isn't 79 degrees outside.

Emer likes the tree

View from our enrty