I am usually fairly adept at finding the words to describe how I am feeling.
I can generally convey whats weighing on me through writing and alleviate some of that weight by doing so.
But today I feel completely inept.
Like I can't even start to identify how I feel. So words to describe how I feel are impossible.
Bittersweet?
Maybe.
But no really bitter.
Sad?
I am thinking about what is missing. And that is hard today.
Missing home and our families.
Missing friends.
Missing being a whole family.
Missing people who I will not ever have a Christmas with again.
Today would be my Gram's birthday. It's the third December 23rd of my life that she isn't here to celebrate. Gram's birthday was always nearly a holiday in itself. At least a little bit every Christmas Eve-Eve was spent with her and maybe the whole family. Or maybe just our family. But always time with her. I never asked how she felt having a birthday so close to Christmas. I don't ever remember her complaining. I just remember her smiling. Tell jokes and giving me clippings from the paper that made her think of me when she read them. Angel food cake and lemon meringue pie. Tucking an ultrasound of a bitty bitty Matt into her birthday card. Singing to her at Stockholm Inn. So many good and happy funny silly things. But then... saying "good-bye". Still the hardest moments of my life.
A year ago today our family's distance from "home" was tempered by my Hawaiian Cousin Jay flying over to spend a few days with us. It had been years (and years and years) since he and I had a Christmas together. We had a blast. Water-park, movies, playing Nerf with the boys, sushi, cookie baking and decorating, bowling, Christmas morning, and a crazy Christmas dinner all packed into a three day trip. It was so fun. Like old times but better because we were the grown ups now and there was no one to yell at us if we stayed up until 3 a.m. Christmas Eve watching movies and talking story. He told me I was pregnant Christmas morning when I complained I felt sick. I laughed and told him he was crazy...that I had just been up too late the night before. He laughed and gave me a loud "I told ya!!!" over the phone after I found out I was pregnant two days later. I was so excited to have him back this year. For him to meet Em. But that is not how things worked out. And I still don't understand why.
But mixed in with all that is so much happiness.
So many good things.
I am helping the children at the Chapel put on a Christmas Program tomorrow night. I say helping because truly it is all on them. They have worked hard. And there will be mistakes and missed lines and silliness...but it is fun to see them and has been a lesson for me on relaxing, being patient, and being grace-ful.
I have Ohana here that are amazing. There are moments where I truly have to pause, count my blessings, and wonder how it is I am surrounded by the most lovely people. People who love me (and that can be a hard thing) and my kiddos and are there with a text or phone call or pop-in or have a sleep over. I prayed (like always) for good people to meet us in Hawaii and God answered (like always) perfectly.
But out of everything good and wonderful on this day...in this moment...in this life...my boys shine brightest.
We were listening to Christmas carols in the car and there was a line they sang: "mom and dad can hardly wait for school to start again". Nic, with his big, gorgeous eyes, asked me if that was true...if I couldn't wait for them to go back to school. I thought about it for a second. I wanted to answer honestly. And I told him that I was in no hurry to send him off to school and was completely enjoying the time we had together. I kept thinking about it. And I truly do enjoy the time I have with my boys. I may be frustrated in moments. Dumbfounded sometimes as to how to proceed. But there is no moment, in all of my mommy-hood, I would trade.
There is a verse from Lamentations 3 I memorized a long time ago (I think because it was over the kitchen sink at my parent's house and I washed a lot of dishes) that makes me think of my boys:
"His compassions fail not, they are new every morning; great is thy faithfulness."
Aside what it means as a message about God to me...I apply it to mommy-life. My compassion for my children should not fail. They will come up with something new every day to delight/horrify me, make me proud/embarrassed, bring me joy or break my heart a little by asking questions to which I have no answers. I have faith in God that he will show me how to love and teach these boys to become great men.
So there.
I am sitting here. Feeling all that. Mixed up and upside down right side up crazy.
I am enjoying my kiddos. Em playing on the floor cooing and squealing at his toys. Matt and Nic discussing the best way to pick up dog poop (yes, they have been tasked with up Buddy's mess). Later we are going to cuddle on the couch, read books, and watch the Grinch. Or maybe "Home Alone". For the third time this week. I will still feel all wonky. But it is ok. I've still got a pretty fabulous amazing life to be thankful for. :)
I can generally convey whats weighing on me through writing and alleviate some of that weight by doing so.
But today I feel completely inept.
Like I can't even start to identify how I feel. So words to describe how I feel are impossible.
Bittersweet?
Maybe.
But no really bitter.
Sad?
I am thinking about what is missing. And that is hard today.
Missing home and our families.
Missing friends.
Missing being a whole family.
Missing people who I will not ever have a Christmas with again.
Today would be my Gram's birthday. It's the third December 23rd of my life that she isn't here to celebrate. Gram's birthday was always nearly a holiday in itself. At least a little bit every Christmas Eve-Eve was spent with her and maybe the whole family. Or maybe just our family. But always time with her. I never asked how she felt having a birthday so close to Christmas. I don't ever remember her complaining. I just remember her smiling. Tell jokes and giving me clippings from the paper that made her think of me when she read them. Angel food cake and lemon meringue pie. Tucking an ultrasound of a bitty bitty Matt into her birthday card. Singing to her at Stockholm Inn. So many good and happy funny silly things. But then... saying "good-bye". Still the hardest moments of my life.
A year ago today our family's distance from "home" was tempered by my Hawaiian Cousin Jay flying over to spend a few days with us. It had been years (and years and years) since he and I had a Christmas together. We had a blast. Water-park, movies, playing Nerf with the boys, sushi, cookie baking and decorating, bowling, Christmas morning, and a crazy Christmas dinner all packed into a three day trip. It was so fun. Like old times but better because we were the grown ups now and there was no one to yell at us if we stayed up until 3 a.m. Christmas Eve watching movies and talking story. He told me I was pregnant Christmas morning when I complained I felt sick. I laughed and told him he was crazy...that I had just been up too late the night before. He laughed and gave me a loud "I told ya!!!" over the phone after I found out I was pregnant two days later. I was so excited to have him back this year. For him to meet Em. But that is not how things worked out. And I still don't understand why.
But mixed in with all that is so much happiness.
So many good things.
I am helping the children at the Chapel put on a Christmas Program tomorrow night. I say helping because truly it is all on them. They have worked hard. And there will be mistakes and missed lines and silliness...but it is fun to see them and has been a lesson for me on relaxing, being patient, and being grace-ful.
I have Ohana here that are amazing. There are moments where I truly have to pause, count my blessings, and wonder how it is I am surrounded by the most lovely people. People who love me (and that can be a hard thing) and my kiddos and are there with a text or phone call or pop-in or have a sleep over. I prayed (like always) for good people to meet us in Hawaii and God answered (like always) perfectly.
But out of everything good and wonderful on this day...in this moment...in this life...my boys shine brightest.
We were listening to Christmas carols in the car and there was a line they sang: "mom and dad can hardly wait for school to start again". Nic, with his big, gorgeous eyes, asked me if that was true...if I couldn't wait for them to go back to school. I thought about it for a second. I wanted to answer honestly. And I told him that I was in no hurry to send him off to school and was completely enjoying the time we had together. I kept thinking about it. And I truly do enjoy the time I have with my boys. I may be frustrated in moments. Dumbfounded sometimes as to how to proceed. But there is no moment, in all of my mommy-hood, I would trade.
There is a verse from Lamentations 3 I memorized a long time ago (I think because it was over the kitchen sink at my parent's house and I washed a lot of dishes) that makes me think of my boys:
"His compassions fail not, they are new every morning; great is thy faithfulness."
Aside what it means as a message about God to me...I apply it to mommy-life. My compassion for my children should not fail. They will come up with something new every day to delight/horrify me, make me proud/embarrassed, bring me joy or break my heart a little by asking questions to which I have no answers. I have faith in God that he will show me how to love and teach these boys to become great men.
So there.
I am sitting here. Feeling all that. Mixed up and upside down right side up crazy.
I am enjoying my kiddos. Em playing on the floor cooing and squealing at his toys. Matt and Nic discussing the best way to pick up dog poop (yes, they have been tasked with up Buddy's mess). Later we are going to cuddle on the couch, read books, and watch the Grinch. Or maybe "Home Alone". For the third time this week. I will still feel all wonky. But it is ok. I've still got a pretty fabulous amazing life to be thankful for. :)
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