I had a doctors appointment today. It always amazes me how much they freak out and get all "oh my!" when they measure my big belly. Every appointment. I am measuring (consistently, since week 24) three to four weeks ahead of where I should be. So, yeah. Em's big. But he looks to be perfect. And the pregnancy is perfect (perfect blood pressure, weight gain, etc). He is just big. Yet every appointment sets them off in a tizzy of ordering more tests and ultrasounds. I guess I should not complain. I should be happy they are being so fabulously thorough. But it is hard to remain peaceful about it all and not freak out right along with them. I mean, I am excited to meet little Em, but not anxious about my health or his. Just anxious about when he is going to make his appearance.
And it is hard, at this point in our waiting for Emerson timeline, to not get a little sad.
To not think about how the first weeks and months of his life are going to be so different from those of his brothers.
To not, if only for a few moments, focus on what he is going to be missing.
My dear Gram passed over two years ago. The loss is still overwhelming at times. And I am still not out of the habit of picking up the phone to call her. Gram held both of the boys. Cuddled them. oooh-ed and ahh-ed over them. Talked about how she couldn't wait to see them. While Nic does not remember much about Gram (he has impressions of fire trucks and egg salad), Matt is able to remember quite a bit. Em won't have any of that. And that makes me sad. She had a good arm for cuddles and a way of making kids feel loved.
And even the family that he does have won't be meeting him as soon as they were able to meet Matt and Nic. Momma was here from the first breath for each of them. And my mom-in-law wasn't too far behind. Some of my best memories of the first few weeks of the boy's lives are just blissing out with baby and Andy and our moms. Hawaii is a beautiful place, but so so so far away from "home." Neither mom is able to travel over to meet the baby any time soon. And it will likely be close to a year after Em is born before we are able to travel back. Yes, much of that is on me. Travel days from Hawaii are easily 14 hours (if not more). And traveling that long with my two sweet and cooperative boys is stressful. Add in a baby and the stress triples. Making that trip voluntarily is crazy to me.
Most of the reason the trip home won't be made is because I would have to do it alone. Andy has another deployment coming this fall-spring. He is sad about missing so much of Em's first year. I am, too. But am trying to find the bright side: Em really won't remember it. Andy will get the first couple months of new-baby bonding time (hopefully he will have enough time to earn a smile or two from Em) and be back before the craziness of walking and talking begins. I have promised him he can participate as much as possible from where ever he is. He gets to pick the first foods. He can pick out first Christmas gifts. There is always Skype when he is in port. And videos of Andy reading books. I am a little excited for Andy to come home and see how much ALL the boys have grown.
So I am a little riled up today after the doc appointment. And a little sentimental and sad. It's all bittersweet as this pregnancy winds down and we get ready to interact with a new little guy. I will miss the belly bumps and swishes and lumps. And I am sad for what Em is going to miss (compared to his brothers). But I know he is going to have two of the most magnificent brothers in the world and a whole lot of Ohana love to surround him.
And it is hard, at this point in our waiting for Emerson timeline, to not get a little sad.
To not think about how the first weeks and months of his life are going to be so different from those of his brothers.
To not, if only for a few moments, focus on what he is going to be missing.
My dear Gram passed over two years ago. The loss is still overwhelming at times. And I am still not out of the habit of picking up the phone to call her. Gram held both of the boys. Cuddled them. oooh-ed and ahh-ed over them. Talked about how she couldn't wait to see them. While Nic does not remember much about Gram (he has impressions of fire trucks and egg salad), Matt is able to remember quite a bit. Em won't have any of that. And that makes me sad. She had a good arm for cuddles and a way of making kids feel loved.
And even the family that he does have won't be meeting him as soon as they were able to meet Matt and Nic. Momma was here from the first breath for each of them. And my mom-in-law wasn't too far behind. Some of my best memories of the first few weeks of the boy's lives are just blissing out with baby and Andy and our moms. Hawaii is a beautiful place, but so so so far away from "home." Neither mom is able to travel over to meet the baby any time soon. And it will likely be close to a year after Em is born before we are able to travel back. Yes, much of that is on me. Travel days from Hawaii are easily 14 hours (if not more). And traveling that long with my two sweet and cooperative boys is stressful. Add in a baby and the stress triples. Making that trip voluntarily is crazy to me.
Most of the reason the trip home won't be made is because I would have to do it alone. Andy has another deployment coming this fall-spring. He is sad about missing so much of Em's first year. I am, too. But am trying to find the bright side: Em really won't remember it. Andy will get the first couple months of new-baby bonding time (hopefully he will have enough time to earn a smile or two from Em) and be back before the craziness of walking and talking begins. I have promised him he can participate as much as possible from where ever he is. He gets to pick the first foods. He can pick out first Christmas gifts. There is always Skype when he is in port. And videos of Andy reading books. I am a little excited for Andy to come home and see how much ALL the boys have grown.
So I am a little riled up today after the doc appointment. And a little sentimental and sad. It's all bittersweet as this pregnancy winds down and we get ready to interact with a new little guy. I will miss the belly bumps and swishes and lumps. And I am sad for what Em is going to miss (compared to his brothers). But I know he is going to have two of the most magnificent brothers in the world and a whole lot of Ohana love to surround him.
Your Gram did have a way of making people feel loved. She was truly interested in what you had to say and was so warm and sweet. As for Andy being gone through Emerson's first year I can relate. It's not easy, but it does get easier. Allow yourself to feel your emotions, but try not to dwell and keep good records of everything he is doing. The projects and pictures I've made for soroush helps me feel like he is experiencing it with me. We love you and can't wait to meet that sweet face=)
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