I have started, stopped, back-spaced, typed, deleted, and re-started this post several times this morning.

I am all jumbled up, don't know where to start or where to go once I get going.  So, where am I right now?

This morning...

-I am thankful for coffee, a happy baby (who slept all night), cuddly toddler (even though his cuddles are more like barrel rolls), sweet Big kids (who have finally nailed the morning routine), my Andy (who ordered an amazing coffee), my brother-in-law (amazing guy...even if he slurps his coffee).
*Side note:  I think I am  a bit coffee obsessed this morning.  With good reason, though.  I did some math (ok, not HARD math, but still some counting was involved) and figured out that for nearly three years I have had interrupted sleep and also been the source of food/nutrition for another little being. That's right...nearly three years of being preggo or nursing.  Bananas.  Totally deserve coffee for that. 

-I am homesick for Rockford, Honolulu, Lafayette and everywhere our family and friends are all at once.  Blessed to have lived so many lovely places and meet so many lovely people.  In a perfect world I would be able to pick my neighbors and we would all live in a cozy little town in a place that had all four seasons but also beaches and beautiful hikes where parades, farmers markets, art walks, and picnics happened at least once a month and schools were awesome.  If only.
-I am sad, noting the date, at the passage of time. Five years doesn't seem as long as it should.  I feel like we just said goodbye.  I thought of baking a lemon meringue pie, a small homage to a lady gone before any of us were ready.  But I think I would rather wait, and make one on a happier anniversary: her birthday.  I will look for birds today.  Maybe smile and wonder what she would think about the two lovies of mine she never met. Wonder what she would think about the two lovies she did know...five years older.  I did not think it was possible to feel the absence of a person like I feel her absence.  

-I feel like there are pieces of my heart all over.  And that is sad and happy and way more complex than I can try and figure out.

I am not any less jumbled.  But my coffee is gone.  And so is the happy baby; replaced with a tired and grouchy baby.